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I leapt from my chair and shouted "Abe's alive! WooSah!"
He then turned the shotgun toward me and fired above my head. If not for my uncanny ability to suck me head into my torso like a turtle, this tale would never have been written. Popping it back takes a little doing, though.
So, there I was, over my collarbone my eyes were peeking, the barrels of the shotgun smoking, Gnome Bastard on the stand quaking, and Abe Vigoda watching the room and reloading.
I took my hat off, grabbed a handful of my hair, and pulled upward.
My nose cleared.
Once more I pulled, and with a loud POP, my goatee cleared my collarbone. Hard to get ones bearings after an event like that. I decided to sit down and see how this all played out.
"What are you doing here, Vigoda?" Gnome Bastard asked through clenched teeth. "And why the hell are you dressed up as Elmer Fudd?"
"For one, I'm here to testify on this man's behalf," he said as he motioned towards me. "And the get-up is just in case the Easter Bunny shows."
"What? You're testifying for him? Why?"
"Because you are a terror, Gnome Bastard. You don't get Abe Vigoda out of bed and then deny him his desire. I might have rigormortis, but-"
"Don't say it, Abe!" I call out.
"Well, it's true. Vigoda needs Viagra. I popped one, then popped one. I went to Bastard's hovel only to find the place empty."
"Where were you, Bastard?" I asked him.
"Wait a minute, now," the judge said. "This is a madhouse! I want order in the court!"
Gnome Bastard, Vigoda, and myself all stared at the judge.
"Er...uh...Mr Bailiff? Little help?"
Gnome Bastard pointed at the bailiff. With a puff of smoke, Bull Shannon became a bull dyke. She took one look at a hot little red-head in the back and it was over. Out the door she went, red-head in tow.
"You were saying, your Honor?" Gnome Bastard smirked.
"I do believe I was saying 'carry on'."
"Wise choice."
"Where were we?" Vigoda asked.
"Shit," I said. "Let me scroll up a bit...Oh, yeah. Where were you, Mr. Bastard? Hmm?"
"What day was it?"
Vigoda spoke up, "it was last Tuesday. I remember it well."
Gnome Bastard looked a little perturbed, while my mind started racing.
"Last Tuesday," I thought to myself. "Why...if you take all the tales I have written about the Gnome, disregard any form of continuity, and rely on suspension of disbelief, last Tuesday Gnome Bastard robbed me!"
I saw my chance to put Gnome Bastard away, and I took it.
"Your Honor! Last Tuesday was when Gnome Bastard ransacked my house!"
"I've read your stories, Mr. Artist. And I do not disregard continuity."
There went that.
(To be continued...)
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