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I awoke from my nap and apologized to the judge. Not very polite to nod off during your murder trial.
Jessica Rabbit walked over to Gnome Bastard and asked him to leave the stand. He agreed, and she took a seat.
"Your Honor, I have a confession to make. It was my husband, Roger, who enticed Mr. Artist to kill the Witness."
"How so?"
"All those years ago, the instalment where Mr. Artist wrote about his family seeing the Easter Bunny, well, that wasn't the Easter Bunny, your Honor. It was Roger. He was on the run from the Judge, no offense, when he was spotted."
"Oh..."
"So, you see, Roger was the one who inspired the fear. Mr. Bastard just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He's innocent!"
I leapt from my chair. "Innocent my ass!" I cried out. "The bastard Bastard robbed me blind and may have killed Carl Weathers!"
"What in the world are you talking about?" The judge asked me.
"Carl was supposed to train me to fight. Against Gnome bastard, none the less. Bastard kidnapped Carl and had him tied up over a volcano!"
"When did this happen?"
"It's been a little while..."
Gnome Bastard spoke up, saying, "If you hadn't forgotten about him he'd still be livin'!"
"Carl really is dead? Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
The doors to the courtroom flew open yet again.
Construction workers decided, 'the hell with it' and installed a revolving door.
"Must have been the wind?" I pondered.
"Had to be. Carl really is dead. Dropped him in the volcano about a month ago."
At that moment, my cell phone rang.
"Pardon me, your Honor," I said as I flipped my phone open. "Hello?"
"Hey, man, don't let that bastard fool you. The heat from the volcano made the ropes fray enough for me to get my arms free. I climbed the rope and swung to safety."
"Then where the hell have you been, Carl?! I'm glad you're alive, but give a guy a heart attack!"
"They're taping Celebrity Survivor here. They asked if I'd like to join, I said hell yeah."
"But, but what about all your fans here?"
"Listen, more people will see me on ABC than they will here. Nationally televised tv show, or an insanity driven story on the web...Wasn't a hard choice to make."
"But, Carl-"
"Show me the money!" A voice called out on Carl's end of the call.
"Dear God no..."
"That's right, Cruise is here, too."
"He's still considered a celebrity?"
"Scientology, man. Scientology. They may be whacked, but they do have survivor skills."
"But no psychology."
"Who said the cursed word?!" Tom screamed. "Who said the cursed word?!"
"I gotta go. Tom needs comforting."
And with that, Carl hung up.
I turned my attention to Gnome Bastard. "You. Said. He. Was. Dead."
"I lied. But the look on your face..."
I screamed and ran at Gnome Bastard. Vigoda awoke with a start and fired another round into the ceiling.
"Order! ORDER!" The judge yelled.
We all stopped what we were doing and stared at him.
"First off, someone please, for the love of God, take Abe's shotgun. Second, I'm calling a short recess so the damned roof can be fixed."
(To be continued...)
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