Comicsartist

I debated whether or not to get out of bed yesterday. Two things, though, motivated me. One, I figured if the Son can rise, so can I. And, two, that damned anthropomorphic rabbit would soon be here.

See, this is why I avoid church on Easter Sunday. I know as soon as my back is turned, my attention elsewhere, my house left unguarded, the rabbit will break in. Even if he leaves yummy Cadbury Creme Eggs, the idea of another break in made me shudder. I have enough trouble with gnomes.

I have never seen the rabbit first hand, but I remember years ago, riding home from church as a little boy, my dad (rip) looked out the driver's side window and said, "Hey! Look! The Easter Bunny!"

My brother, four years my senior, and my mother, who would kill me for telling her age, both acted in a like manner. "Yeah! There he is! Did you see him, S?"

Of course, I did not...to this day I wonder whether they really saw the rabbit, or if it was all an elaborate ruse...But, that almost encounter, years later, would cause me to be ready should I meet the rabbit, face to buck-toothed face.

At the time, the rabbit seemed innocent enough. After all these years, though, what with terrorism, Dubya, governmental bastards and Jehova's Witnesses peeking in on you, an anthropomorphic rabbit breaking into my house and leaving me candy just didn't seem safe anymore. What if he felt froggy and decided to leave stale Peeps?

The horror.

I had been awake for twenty minutes when I heard the front door knob jostle. "He's here." I thought.
I walk silently to the door, and look out the peep hole...and there's nothing there. False alarm...

...or was it? Rabbits are small...and I'm not sure how tall the Easter Bunny would be. I had never seen him, so how could I know? Was he a six footer like Harvey? Shit...was he invisible like Harvey? I hadn't accounted for an invisible Easter Bunny. Thankfully, I had no need.
I opened the door, and there at my feet was a three foot tall purple rabbit with a set of lock picks in hand.
"Well, well, well...What's all this, then?"
The rabbit looked up at me, and muttered something.
"What was that?" I asked.
"I said, 'shit'."
Taken aback, I asked him why.
"Why? How about, here I am, the Easter Bunny, getting ready to leave yummy Cadbury Creme Eggs, and I get caught in the act. The other's will never let me live this down."
"Wait...did you say others?"
"Of course. You don't think that...wait...you thought it was the same rabbit all these years? Anthropomorphic we may be, but we're not immortal. Well, we're almost immortal, but that fucker, Fudd, is dangerous."
"Huh?"
"Fudd. You know, Elmer Fudd."
"He looks like a simp in the cartoons, man. Bugs always gets away."
"Bugs always gets away. Do you have ANY idea how SICK I am of Bugs Bunny? He's the hero of Easter Bunny history. He's also the only one of us who has faced off with Fudd and survived. Any time I go on a date, I hear about Bugs. Every time I turn on the news, I hear about Bugs. Every time I sleep, hell, I have nightmares about bugs."
"I think 'night-hares' would've been funny..."
"That's what you get for thinking."
"Hey, now. Let's not get personal."
"You're standing there, blocking me from doing my professional duties, taking food from my 35 kids' mouths, and you're telling me not to get personal?"
"You were going to break into MY HOUSE!"
"I was going to leave you yummy Cadbury Creme Eggs!"
After a few moments thought, I said, "well, I do love yummy Cadbury Creme Eggs, but how do I know they're safe?"
"Dude...this isn't Halloween."
"Are you sure? You could be that damned gnome in a rabbit costume. I wouldn't put it past him..."
The rabbit's eyes dialated and grew wide. A small smirk spread over his lips. He reached up a hand and pulled off his rabbit face, and there was the face of terror. It was the damned gnome.

"Well played...well played...But you haven't seent the last of me. Next time, though, you won't be so lucky."

The gnome disappeared in a poof of smoke.

I shut the door, frazzled, but happy to be alive, when someone knocks.

This time, I am ready. I grab my double barreled shotgun open the door, take aim, and blow to bits what was once standing there.
After the smoke clears, I see what I have done. There's a Watchtower pamphlet lying in a pool of crimson.

That damned gnome did it again.

Maybe I can plead temporary insanity?

__________________

AlineaHeart

The dastard left me a white chocolate easter bunny. Get'm Comics, get'm!

__________________

Comicsartist

I shall do my best.

__________________

babylonDon

__________________
"America, the greatest, best country that God has ever given man, on the face of the Earth"- Sean Hannity, professional broadcast journalist.

“To the contrary, has anybody ever referred to torture as punishment? I don’t think so.”-Antonin Scalia

gonzo

Gawd, I would love to take a walk through that mind of yours! Funny CA. I really enjoyed it.

Comicsartist

Those times when there was only one set of footprints through the gray matter, I carried you.

Thanks, G.

__________________

Comicsartist

The cops arrived soon after the accidental shooting of the Jehova's Witness. I thought I might get off light, it being an accident and all, but as soon as I said, "I thought he was the Gnome!" they called the men in white.
The crazy catchers arrived in record time. Tell them there's a loon with a double barrel shotgun ranting about a Gnome in an Easter Bunny costume, and they'll come running.

Weird phrase, that. "They come running." I don't know many people that can come walking, let alone running. The knees tend to go weak before the hundred meter dash can be won.

Back on point.

Being Easter, the crazy catchers decided to spiff up their uniforms a bit. One had lavender coveralls on with pastel eggs all over, the other two had bunny tails and ears. And they were after me.
"Sir? We need you to come with us, please."
"What the hell for? It was self defence!"
"Sir...you shot and killed a Jehova's Witness."
"It was an accident, but tell me the bastard didn't have it coming! Here it is, Easter, the Gnome shows up in costume...The swine was spying on me!"
"The Witness or the Gnome?"
"The Gnome, at first, but also the Witness. He had to have seen me standing here yelling at the Gnome!"
"Well, sir, you killed the Witness witness. If there was a Gnome here, in an Easter Bunny costume, no less, well, dead Witnesses can't witness much, can they?"
"You're the crazy fucker here, not me. I tell ya, the Gnome did this to me!"
About that time they pulled out the largest net I have ever seen. Twelve feet long and a large enough net to catch a large man. I knew what was coming.
I ran to the right, swing and a miss.
I ran to the left, swing and a miss.
I made a beeline straight to the smaller catcher with rabbit ears and ganked them from him. Putting them on my head, I became a Skinwalker. The power of the Bunny was mine.
Turns out the only power the Bunny has is the ability to hop. This white boy could jump, but upon seeing the transformation the catchers decided to forgo the net, and they brought out a mallet.
They were going to play Human Whack-a-Mole.
After a few minutes of them trying to clobber me, the cop pulled out his tazer.
"Aw, shit. Don't tase me, bro!"
He fired at that same moment and lit me up like a Christmas tree.
Now, I love electroshock as much as anyone else, but this was a new one for me. Before I could stop myself, I started singing Feed my Frankenstein. Well, I ain't evil, I'm just good lookin'. Start a little fire and baby start cookin'.

Out like a light went I.

(Next stop, the Trial.)

__________________

gonzo

Comicsartist

I spent three days in the local jail. Let me tell ya, no one fucked with me. Would you mess with someone ranting and raving about Gnomes, the Easter Bunny, Cadburry Creme Eggs and wearing bunny ears?

...I...think...not.

On the third day I was to appear in front of Judge Judy for my trial. Everyone knew it would be a media circus anyway, so why not have an insane clown presiding?

I was dressed in my Sunday best, which reminded me of that fateful Easter Sunday long ago, when my curiosity about the Easter Bunny started. Back to times before that damned Gnome interfered in my life. Innocent times, when Cadbury Creme Eggs were yummy, and the Easter Bunny was real.
I snapped to real quick.

"Sir! You will NOT get a glossy look in your eyes in MY courtroom! NO REMINISCING! Do you understand me?" Judge Judy screamed at me.

"Sure thing, Judgey Wudgey."

That was a mistake.

"Contempt! YOU are IN conTEMPT!"

"Retract those claws, kitten! It's a term of endearment!"

"My ass is a term of endearment so quit blowing smoke up it!"

"What?"

"I'm on new blood pressure meds. I don't know what it means."

"As long as you're aware you made little to no sense, there's still hope."

"Alright, smartass. But you're still in contempt."

"Can I make it up to you?" I asked with a wink, putting on the charm.

She smirked, then...threw her gavel at me. Hit me in the head and out I went again.

(To be continued...)

__________________

Comicsartist

When I came to this time around I found myself in a different court room with a new judge. Judy apparently popped a handful of blood pressure meds, flipped the fuck out, and came within an inch of killing the prosecuting attorney (which would have been fine with me) and yours truly (which wouldn't have sat well). And, she then sentenced herself to twenty years, with time off for good behavior, appealed her own case and won, and walked out of the courthouse a free woman.

Fucking justice.

I thought about suing her, but she found Jesus during her troubled time. Of course, once she leveled out on the blood pressure meds, she found out Jesus was nothing more than a construction worker who was working on the crown moulding when she had her episode.

Jesus has since been deported back to Canada.

....

"Call your first witness."

"Your honor, the State would like to call Mr...Uh...Sir? What is your name?"

"You talking to me?" I ask.

"Yes. Yes, I am."

"They call me Mr. ****."

"Excuse me?"

"They call me Mr. ****."

"Sir, are you aware that asterix signs are taking the place of the letters in your name?"

"Oh yeah. Sorry, personal filter. Call me Comicsartist."

"This is highly unusual..."

"This whole fucking story is highly unusual. Deal with it."

"I am the prosecuting attorney! I am looking to throw you in prison for the rest of your life! I am-"

"A character in a nonsensical tale about that damned Gnome bastard, the Easter Bunny, Judge Judy going apeshit, me killing a Jehovah's witness who I thought was that damned Gnome bastard dressed as the Easter Bunny, and my ensuing trial."

"...Point taken."

"Now, shut the fuck up and get back to calling me to the stand."

__________________